Thursday, June 23, 2005

Curse You, Glen A. Larson!

It now appears that perhaps I watched too much Battlestar Galactica when I was in my more impressionable years. All blame, of course, is to be heaped upon the local UHF broadcaster that made such a bespoiling event possible. Y'all do remember UHF, don't you? The Llamabutchers and John of TexasBestGrok have been taking a bunch of religious selectors and posting their results. Anyways, here's what I've gotten from the two noted tests: From SelectSmart: 1: Congregational/United Church of Christ (100%) 2: Methodist/Wesleyan/Nazarene (100%) 3: Presbyterian/Reformed (96%) 4: Lutheran (90%) 5: Anglican/Episcopal/Church of England (85%) 6: Eastern Orthodox (85%) 7: Baptist (Reformed/Particular/Calvinistic) (77%) 8: Church of Christ/Campbellite (74%) 9: Pentecostal/Charismatic/Assemblies of God (73%) 10: Anabaptist (Mennonite/Quaker etc.) (66%) 11: Baptist (non-Calvinistic)/Plymouth Brethren/Fundamentalist (66%) 12: Roman Catholic (63%) 13: Seventh-Day Adventist (49%) I don't know a blessed thing about Congregationalists or the UCC (be it religious or legal, as my grades in contracts, sales, and secured transactions would suggest) but I am a United Methodist, so that's nifty that I scored 100% there. I suppose Theodore Roosevelt's quote about Woodrow Wilson---"[D]amned Presbyterian hypocrite!"---must be applicable. After all, Wilson was a Virginian, born in Staunton. I keep meaning to stop there when I'm traveling Interstate 81, but I never do. Up next is BeliefNet: 1. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (100%) 2. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (97%) 3. Jehovah's Witness (88%) 4. Eastern Orthodox (84%) 5. Roman Catholic (84%) 6. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (74%) 7. Seventh Day Adventist (73%) 8. Orthodox Judaism (73%) 9. Orthodox Quaker (71%) 10. Baha'i Faith (69%) 11. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (63%) 12. Sikhism (61%) 13. Islam (60%) 14. Hinduism (48%) 15. Liberal Quakers (48%) 16. Reform Judaism (44%) 17. New Thought (37%) 18. Mahayana Buddhism (35%) 19. Unitarian Universalism (35%) 20. Jainism (33%) 21. Scientology (33%) 22. Theravada Buddhism (33%) 23. Neo-Pagan (29%) 24. New Age (19%) 25. Nontheist (17%) 26. Secular Humanism (15%) 27. Taoism (10%) I've never even heard of some of these (Jainism? Is that the worship of English TV actress par excellence Jane Seymour?) and it's nice to know that I'd be like Khan Noonien Singh---Sikhism---before I'd be akin to Osama bin Laden. Similarly, I take great pride in finding that I'd be a Roman Catholic or an Orthodox before I'd subscribe to limp-wristed liberal Protestantism. I am, however, dumbfounded at the appearance of both the Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses. I knew a Mormon or so in high school, but the last time I was in close proximity to one of Joseph Smith's disciples, the experience did not go well. To put it delicately, there was no ecumenical accord reached, and it wasn't due to lack of pleasant effort on my part.1 I do suppose that an entire lifetime within the confines of the UMC has paid off, because I manage to score rather highly with their doctrines on these quizzes. As for the rest of it, I blame Glen A. Larson. Thank God for small miracles; it's a good thing that I waited until the last couple of years to read Battlefield Earth or else I might've wound up in Uncle Elron's Money-Making Machine.2 Yee haw. ---- 1 If I'm not a Mormon, then in the current Galactica reality, I must be one of the Cylons. Well, if that means I get my very own copy of Number Six for fun and profit, I could learn the whole "By...your...command" shtick. Gaius Baltar, you've got nothing on me. Except more hair, an insatiable blond in your mind, Lieutenant Kara Thrace in the sack, and a hot reporter in a bathroom stall. You greasy-looking Eurotrash loser. Blast it, Biggs! As for the Mormon guys, there may have been a cultural clash there. I was dressed in my usual faded polo shirt, unshaven with a baseball hat---looking something like this---covering an unruly mop of hair, whereas these guys looked like they'd just stepped out of Cape Canaveral, circa 1960. Short hair, white short-sleeve shirts, black ties, black pants, black shoes, and embossed tags detailing their name and rank, or something. They not only knew a lot about my home, they knew who I'd gone to high school with, and spoke in eerie turn. It took conscious mental effort for me not to ask if Agent Smith had finished with Morpheus yet. 2 On the other hand, if it meant I could pinch Kelly Preston off from John Travolta, then perhaps a bit of auditing wouldn't be such a bad thing. "If you don't give me your wife, then Xenu will win. Ain't it cool?"

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